freedom

is it freedom that i'm longing for? the freedom to be truly authentic? the freedom to be vulnerable? the freedom to follow my heart? what would freedom look like? feel like? am i already free and don't know it?

spirituality

I am real. I exist. And at my core I am deeply and fundamentally divine, eternal, pure, and unencumbered by the stresses and confusions of mortality. I often experience the love of God that literally feels like a wonderful fire within me and I am filled with comfort, joy and peace. These moments assure me that I am and that God is, and that's sufficient for now. There are also places and states of being in which I am more likely to connect with the Divine, and I am grateful when I go there. I have not even begun to understand mortality, much less eternity.

I know that I am capable of loving myself, and more of myself, more deeply than I do now. I experience fear, sadness, anger, joy and even shame and I am grateful for these emotions, the beauty in them and things I can learn from acknowledging and expressing them. I know loneliness and longing, friendship and brotherhood. I know that some things are always sacred, even when I don't treat them as such. And as I seek truth I seem to discover that there are many more questions than answers; I am grateful for the mystery.

peace

fasting is a beautiful practice. i believe it to be one of the purest forms of spiritual development. it is also a more direct way to commune with the Divine. as Saint Augustine put it: "Do you wish your prayer to fly toward God? Give it two wings: fasting and almsgiving." fasting accompanied with sincere prayer, pondering and giving the money one would have used for meals is indeed a powerful spiritual practice. were it not so it would probably not be so ubiquitous, for some form of fasting is found in virtually all modern religions, and it is even found in older 'pagan' traditions as well. a powerful example of fasting is Jesus Christ. the new testament attests that Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness before beginning his ministry in the holy land. there must be some connection between Jesus' fasting and his final preparation before he began to preach. fasting on certain holy days is still practiced in modern judaism; a typical fast lasts twenty-five hours.

in my faith the common practice is to fast on the first sunday of every month. typically the fast begins after lunch on saturday and ends at lunchtime on sunday, making the fast roughly twenty-four hours. i think i did it once or twice last year. it's easy to forget, especially since the idea of going without food for a full day is not exactly appealing to the average person. i want to fast more frequently this year. i have had some incredible experiences through fasting in the past and i want more of that. it's interesting how easy it is to not do it again even though i have had such wonderful experiences doing it. i can be a slow learner when it comes to things like this. i guess it's the whole idea of sacrificing something good in order to get something better--the dificulty comes in the fact that that better something is most often intangible, while food and time can be measured and enjoyed. in a world of instant gratification fasting isn't exactly popular.

another aspect of fasting that i forgot to mention is faith; faith that it will work, that it will bring me closer to God, that it will bring clarity of mind and peace to my soul. add faith to the equation and fasting becomes much more than voluntary starvation. miracles can happen through sincere fasting and prayer.

through fasting this time around i have been blessed with a beautiful burning sensation in my chest; i identify it as peace. this feeling is not new for me, for i have felt it many times before and on many different occasions, and it is unmistakably peace. i believe this peace is gifted to me as confirmation of the existence of the Divine and that i am on the right track (which could be any number of tracks or paths, for there are many 'right' tracks, still it's nice to have the assurance that i'm on at least one of them). noteworthy also at this time for me is the conflict between my head and my heart, for my head still has many unanswered questions and many doubts, yet my heart is at peace and it tells me that that peace is the only answer i need in this moment. my heart wins; i cannot deny it's wisdom. fasting reminds my that my thoughts are not always my ally and gives me a chance to forego my regular cycle of consumption in order to listen to my spirit. the amazing thing is that my spirit somehow speaks through my body, thus the warmth in my solar plexis and the peace in my body.

my intention is to fast twelve times this year. to help remind me to fast i also have the intention of having a sabbath "break-the-fast" meal with good friends on the afternoon of every first sunday. i began today. what better way to end a day of fasting, study and prayer than to break bread with good friends? these are the important things in life: my relationship with God, my relationship with myself and my relationships with others. that's what it's all about.

gratitude

for the year 2008 i am grateful for opportunities, learning experiences, trust and loss of trust, crossed boundaries, grief, loss, pain, renewal, solitude, friendship, family, love, and fear.

i leave behind indecision, isolation, and incongruity.

in 2009 i want decisiveness, integrity, friendship, wildness, courage and to create sacred space in my home.

welcoming in a new year reminds me of one of my favorite hymns: Come, Let Us Anew by Charles Wesley (see text below). this hymn reminds me that time rolls on, and there are key moments in which i renew my commitment to my journey, as others do to theirs, whatever that journey may be. i am grateful for these moments. i believe beginnings and renewal have a deeper archetypal meaning. i believe that this life is one stage of many on a path of eternal progression. physical, spiritual, intellectual and moral development are all essential pieces of this progression; and significant beginnings and moments of renewal, like the new year or spring among many others, can be small steps toward the progress we pursue. perhaps, as the hymn states, "entering into [the] joy [of the Master]" and "sit[ting] down on [his] throne" are symbols for continuing from one stage of the journey to another, for those moments are potentially joyful and magnificent. and yet even those "fugitive moment[s] refuse... to stay," and another moment offers a new opportunity for growth. so i take this moment to recognize that 2008, with all its challenges and pains, triumphs and joys, has brought me to where i am now, and i am a better person for having lived it; and i welcome 2009 and enjoy this "fugitive moment" of gratitude. and so it is.

Come, Let Us Anew
by Charles Wesley

Come, let us anew our journey pursue,
Roll round with the year,
And never stand still till the Master appear.
His adorable will let us gladly fulfill,
And our talents improve
By the patience of hope and the labor of love,
By the patience of hope and the labor of love.

Our life as a dream, our time as a stream
Glide swiftly away,
And the fugitive moment refuses to stay;
For the arrow is flown and the moments are gone.
The millennial year
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here,
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here.

Oh, that each in the day of His coming may say,
'I have fought my way through;
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.'
Oh, that each from his Lord may receive the glad word:
'Well and faithfully done;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne.'

anxiety

i slept in way too long today. my thoughts turned to the fact that i go back to work next week, and i felt a pang of anxiety around getting back into a regular sleep schedule and tackling all the things that are waiting for me at work.
i think i'll read thoreau tonight.
"What business have I in the woods, if I am thinking of something out of the woods?" (Thoreau, Walking)

loneliness

alone. i realize i've done this to myself. my life seems to go in cycles: alone, connected, and alone again. does that mean connection is coming soon? perhaps. i also realize that i always make a choice that brings me to this state of loneliness. why do i do it? why do i choose this? what drives me here? i think i am afraid of getting too close to someone. i only let them get so close, then i pull away. and if they get to what i consider too close? forget about it. i'm long gone. and inevitably i become lonely again. the interesting thing is that part of me loves the loneliness. it's relatively easy to be alone: minimal pain and drama. yet being with someone, or even with other people in general is so much better than being alone. stephen sondheim wrote that "alone is alone, not alive." i think he's onto something. being alive has something to do with being together, with other people in authentic relationships. it must be that way, otherwise i think we wouldn't be on this planet with other people to interact with and learn from--and learn together.

The House of Belonging

I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.

But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and I thought

it must have been the quiet
candlelight
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.

And
I thought
this is the good day
you could meet your love,

this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like a fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

~ David Whyte ~