life

i'm feeling nostalgic tonight. remembering good times and good friends and sorting through the anger that i still feel toward my friend who committed suicide only 10 days ago.

i thought of this poem when thinking about my friend who killed himself. he loved robert frost. the interesting thing is that i see this poem as optimistic and i think my friend saw it in a totally different way. i am so glad that i am who i am and that i think the way i do (i know it sounds narcissistic, but that's how i feel--sometimes i just love that i am who i am and that i see the world the way i see it). The end of the poem is what caused me to call this post "life." Even though the "woods are lovely, dark, and deep" there are things that i have committed to do, things i still need to experience, miles and miles that i need to go "before I sleep."

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

death and life

experiencing the death of someone who is close to you has a profound effect. what's interesting is to note the difference in what i have experienced when someone has died of natural causes and when someone decides to check out early and take their own life. suicide is like a smack in the face. three months ago a good friend killed himself. i mostly experienced deep grief that hit me in sudden bursts, and then it sort of faded but an overall feeling of sadness remained, stirring in a void of loss and confusion; i felt like i had lost sight of the meaning of life, the meaning of anything really. difficult. only now do i realize the deep effect it had on me. i withdrew from friends and isolated myself for a while, finally reemerging with a greater sense that i want to fully live and surround myself with great people. all that took place over the period of about two-and-a-half months. then my grandfather died. the amazing thing was that his death was so different from that of my friend who took his own life. the process of grieving was so much more healing than it was for the suicide of my friend. my grandfather lived a good life; he was an amazing man: wwii veteran, husband, father, grandfather, and great-grandfather. wow! honoring him and celebrating his 91 years through memories and tears, surrounded by family was so healing! in fact, i felt that it also helped me heal from my friend's suicide in ways that i didn't know i needed to heal; things that were lingering and i hadn't acknowledged. what a blessing that natural death was.
now here i am, almost a month since my grandfather's death and I am dealing with a fresh experience: another suicide. this time a former roommate and friend to whom i was significantly closer than my other friend who also killed himself only three months ago. this one is very different. i am angry! there is a huge backstory to the friendship that leads me to this anger, but the important thing is that i recongnize that i didn't experience these feelings after the other two deaths. i am pissed off at him for checking out like a coward! i recognize that i am taking it more personally that i did with my other friend, and i don't want to forgive him, yet i sense that i need to get to the point that i can. i feel betrayed, used, manipulated, pulled into his "i'm-a-victim-and-everybody-hates-me" garbage! aarrgh!!! i don't even want to remember him! i don't want to give him the satisfaction of grieving over him! these are interesting emotions, and i am willing to take a look at what they mean for me and work through them. anything that reminds me of him makes me angry! even the fact that i am already over my minutes on my cellphone makes me angry at him because i spent more time than usual on the phone with friends after he killed himself!
i don't want to express the grief that i know i am covering with this anger!