creation

Throw Yourself Like Seed

by Miguel de Unamuno

Shake off this sadness, and recover your spirit
sluggish you will never see the wheel of fate
that brushes your heel as it turns going by,
the man who wants to live is the man in whom life is abundant.

Now you are only giving food to that final pain
which is slowly winding you in the nets of death,
but to live is to work, and the only thing which lasts
is the work; start then, turn to the work.

Throw yourself like seed as you walk, and into your own field,
don’t turn your face for that would be to turn it to death,
and do not let the past weigh down your motion.

Leave what’s alive in the furrow, what’s dead in yourself,
for life does not move in the same way as a group of clouds;
from your work you will be able one day to gather yourself.

restlessness

i actually noticed, or at least it seemed so, that the day was longer (more daylight) today than it was yesterday. i felt a shift in energy, like i got a boost in my trajectory. in some ways it's like i'm coming out of hibernation, though i'm not sure that i can explain why.

my familiar restlessness has been back in full force recently. restlessness, loneliness, pensiveness.

"My heart is restless, O God, until it rests in Thee." could it be possible that my soul was made to rest in God, which is exactly why i am restless? i will not rest until i rest in God, which sort of sounds like "i will not rest until i rest," which is also true. i am restless until i am not. now i am rambling. i thought i had something worthwhile to write until now--what was it?

masculinity

“a man’s self-esteem remains precarious and demands that he put out of sight all reminders of his folly, of weakness, of mortality…” -gregory rochlin

as a single thirty-something male in the twenty-first century, i have experienced some of the challenges and wonders of manhood. though i suspect that there are others out there like me, i will only speak for myself, for i can only speak from personal experience, not knowing the minds and hearts of other men. i have felt the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations, the pain of love lost, the grief of death, the loneliness of life, and the longing for companionship as well as the desire for complete autonomy. i have also felt the pressure to show only strength, to hide my weaknesses and put on a good face for the world while i am falling apart inside. perhaps that is why i love super heroes; they swoop in to save the day single-handedly and then disappear into the mysterious darkness, to their isolation. no one sees their pain, their grief. no one holds them when they break down and no one knows their true identity. these super heroes permeate our society; every man an island unto himself, fighting a silent battle within.

“The testing of masculinity knows no bounds. Hence, the warrant to prove oneself remains a lifelong necessity. It is the case as much in manhood as it was in boyhood. It gives rise to many of man’s anxieties and failures as well as to his often extraordinary achievements. We shall find this the timeless case in a boy’s adventures as in a man’s enterprises.” -gregory rochlin

what is truth

the following is a great quote by Brigham Young. truth is everywhere.

THE GOOD IN ALL PEOPLE--Whether a truth is found with professed infidels or with Universalists, or the Church of Rome, or the Methodists, or the Church of England, the Presbyterians, the Baptists, the Quakers of any other of the various and numerous sects and parties, all of whom have more or less truth, it is the business of the Elders of this Church to gather up all the truth in the world pertaining to life and salvation, to the gospel we preach, to mechanism of every kind, to the sciences, and to philosophy, wherever it may be found in every nation, kindred, tongue, and people and bring it to Zion. The people on this earth have a great many errors, and they have also a great many truths. This statement is not only true of the nations termed civilized--those who profess to worship the true God, but is equally applicable to pagans of all countries, for in their religious rites and ceremonies may be found a great many truths which we will also gather home to Zion. All truth is for the salvation of the children of men--for their benefit and learning--for their furtherance in the principles of divine knowledge.
--Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 7, p. 283

climbing everest

when i woke up the other day the dominating thought in my mind was "everest is not an accumulation." i often wake up with thoughts/ideas racing through my head and i sometimes wonder where they came from or chuckle them away, but this time i went straight to my computer and wrote:

"Everest is not an accumulation of smaller mountains; rather, it is one large mountain that must be climbed one step at a time."

it occurs to me that even relatively large "mountains," though challenging and exhilarating in their own right, are the training ground for "everest;" the skills and the knowledge necessary to climb everest being learned through scaling such other "mountains." ultimately there is no subsitute for actually making that ascent, for everest is everest and it cannot be replaced by an accumulation of any number of smaller "mountains."

integration

a few nights back i had a dream in which i saw two different versions of myself, as if i were identical twins; i was also the one observing my other two selves, so i guess there were three of me in the dream. my thought was that if these two different versions of me were identical twins then i wonder whether there might be any subtle differences that i could identify in order to tell the two apart; i'm usually pretty good at that, especially when i know the twins pretty well. i began to compare. at first they seemed exactly identical, then there was a sudden realization that, though very similar, there were clear and distinct differences between them. i don't think i can explain what the differences were, but there was no question that i despised the one on the left and i loved the one on the right and i knew exaclty why. this discovery struck me, especially as i immediately acknowledged that i knew them both very well and, though i didn't want to admit it, i knew that both were very accurate reflections of myself (or selves). that is all of the dream that i can recall.

"so what does it mean for you?" a very wiley friend asked me when i recounted the dream to him. a very good question. the interesting thing is that i know very well what it means. without going into great detail, the bottom line is that they are both me even though i prefer one version of me over the other. so integration comes to mind. integrating them both, like copper and tin combine to create bronze, perhaps the true me will emerge. and for that to happen i must have compassion for the version of me that repulses me, accept that part of myself and give myself the love that i need in order for such an integration to be possible. otherwise, i will always be despising myself and consequently rejecting myself, never able to come to my full potential.

there is a beautiful paradox here: in order to become my whole and true self (and to continue to progress and grow) i need to love and accept my whole self, even the parts of me that i hate. i need to accept myself just as i am if i am to become who i want to be. this acceptance does not mean that i allow my undesirable characteristics to take control or become dominant in my life, rather it means that i sit with the truth of who i am right now and love that me. this is easier said than done and yet i have experienced it to a large degree. something tells me, however, that i have a significant amount of self-acceptance remaining.

trust

the question of trust has come up for me quite poignantly lately. how can i be vulnerable, in the sense that i allow others into my life and relate to them authentically, and trust that my vulnerability will not be taken advantage of? a few things come to my mind: 1. vulnerability is not equal to naivete; 2. decisiveness (making a decision regarding my personal convictions) and trust of self (standing by my choices) set the stage for my trusting others; and 3. where does trusting in God come into play in all of this?

merriam-webster.com defines vulnerable:

1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 2 : open to attack or damage : assailable <vulnerable to criticism> 3 : liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vulnerable).

the third definition stands out, "liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning." there is something about being vulnerable that sets a person up to being "physically or emotionally wounded" while at the same time offers the chance of "increased bonuses." a beautiful principle is revealed here: when i allow myself to be vulnerable (in a position that i can be wounded) i also allow the possibility of deeper emotional connection. being a person who greatly fears being wounded and strongly desires closeness and authentic connection with others, i realize that i must face one of my greatest fears to get that which i want the most.

having defined vulnerability i want to emphasize that it is not same as naivete. merriam-webster.com defines naive:

1: marked by unaffected simplicity : artless , ingenuous 2: deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/naive).

the vulnerability of which i speak cannot come from a place of naivete, for it is a deliberate chosen state; i choose to be vulnerable in order to develop a closeness with another person in spite of the knowledge that i am also opening myself up to the possibility of being wounded as well. this is an informed choice, and a complex one at that. the difference between the vulnerability, which can lead to a greater connection, and naivete is a certain awareness combined with intentional strategy.

when i intentionally make myself vulnerable the outcome of this move depends on my decisiveness regarding my personal convictions. if i am sure about my own beliefs and firm in the boundaries i have set for myself, then i am more likely to trust myself even in that vulnerable state. Another difference between vulnerability and naivete is found in the concept of remaining true to my convictions while being open to the closeness of others versus casting aside my convictions in hopes that somehow i will find something better by becoming vulnerable. in such naivete i am actually more likely to be wounded than i am in conscious vulnerability. when i know what i stand for and i stand by that conviction, i am in a better position to trust myself and therefore trust others.

so where does trusting in God come into all of this? trust in this sense is really translated into faith. having decided to stand for something, rather than naively being tossed about by one whim after another or chasing relationships in superficial ways, i find myself needing to trust in God that what i am standing for is worth standing for. i need to trust that my convictions will in fact guide me toward a deeper and more fulfilled life than the wistful alternatives. my only barometer for the efficacy of such trust is my internal sense of congruity, my intuitive awareness of the light, or lack thereof, within myself. this becomes a mixture of trusting myself (my own divine barometer) and trusting God, for I must trust my own sense of who God is and how i believe God communicates with me; there is no separating the two.

and so i choose to trust, and forward i go.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.... and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6