a few nights back i had a dream in which i saw two different versions of myself, as if i were identical twins; i was also the one observing my other two selves, so i guess there were three of me in the dream. my thought was that if these two different versions of me were identical twins then i wonder whether there might be any subtle differences that i could identify in order to tell the two apart; i'm usually pretty good at that, especially when i know the twins pretty well. i began to compare. at first they seemed exactly identical, then there was a sudden realization that, though very similar, there were clear and distinct differences between them. i don't think i can explain what the differences were, but there was no question that i despised the one on the left and i loved the one on the right and i knew exaclty why. this discovery struck me, especially as i immediately acknowledged that i knew them both very well and, though i didn't want to admit it, i knew that both were very accurate reflections of myself (or selves). that is all of the dream that i can recall.
"so what does it mean for you?" a very wiley friend asked me when i recounted the dream to him. a very good question. the interesting thing is that i know very well what it means. without going into great detail, the bottom line is that they are both me even though i prefer one version of me over the other. so integration comes to mind. integrating them both, like copper and tin combine to create bronze, perhaps the true me will emerge. and for that to happen i must have compassion for the version of me that repulses me, accept that part of myself and give myself the love that i need in order for such an integration to be possible. otherwise, i will always be despising myself and consequently rejecting myself, never able to come to my full potential.
there is a beautiful paradox here: in order to become my whole and true self (and to continue to progress and grow) i need to love and accept my whole self, even the parts of me that i hate. i need to accept myself just as i am if i am to become who i want to be. this acceptance does not mean that i allow my undesirable characteristics to take control or become dominant in my life, rather it means that i sit with the truth of who i am right now and love that me. this is easier said than done and yet i have experienced it to a large degree. something tells me, however, that i have a significant amount of self-acceptance remaining.
Hey Corey-
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate this post this morning- I think all of us deal with this phenomena to one degree or another throughout our lives and I have felt it recently. Interestingly, I think that some who are the most compassionate and accepting of others have difficulty treating themselves the same.
When I think about this in my relationships with others, I think there is a role in acknowledging and accepting faults, but focusing on goodness and strength in others is is fare more powerful in letting that person have a place in my heart. I'm sure there is an application to myself there that I can work on as well-
Thanks for the thoughts...
Hey Toph,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. It's amazing to me how powerful learning to love and accept myself has been in my life. There are things I remember completely loathing about myself, that if only they were gone, then I would be so much better, or in such a better position in my life, or that only then will I have "arrived." It wasn't until I was able to love even those things about me that they began to change, or at least lose much of the power that I had given them.
The revelatory thing is that some of those things are now gone, yet my journey continues... and, thank goodness, I am still very far from "arriving."
Life is good.
hey! found your blog through facebook! love your thoughts. this one especially. I have also been working on accepting myself. I love the idea of sitting with the truth of who I am right now and loving that me.
ReplyDeleteI will definetely be checking back on you! love ya!
Becky