masculinity

“a man’s self-esteem remains precarious and demands that he put out of sight all reminders of his folly, of weakness, of mortality…” -gregory rochlin

as a single thirty-something male in the twenty-first century, i have experienced some of the challenges and wonders of manhood. though i suspect that there are others out there like me, i will only speak for myself, for i can only speak from personal experience, not knowing the minds and hearts of other men. i have felt the disappointment of unfulfilled expectations, the pain of love lost, the grief of death, the loneliness of life, and the longing for companionship as well as the desire for complete autonomy. i have also felt the pressure to show only strength, to hide my weaknesses and put on a good face for the world while i am falling apart inside. perhaps that is why i love super heroes; they swoop in to save the day single-handedly and then disappear into the mysterious darkness, to their isolation. no one sees their pain, their grief. no one holds them when they break down and no one knows their true identity. these super heroes permeate our society; every man an island unto himself, fighting a silent battle within.

“The testing of masculinity knows no bounds. Hence, the warrant to prove oneself remains a lifelong necessity. It is the case as much in manhood as it was in boyhood. It gives rise to many of man’s anxieties and failures as well as to his often extraordinary achievements. We shall find this the timeless case in a boy’s adventures as in a man’s enterprises.” -gregory rochlin

what is truth

the following is a great quote by Brigham Young. truth is everywhere.

THE GOOD IN ALL PEOPLE--Whether a truth is found with professed infidels or with Universalists, or the Church of Rome, or the Methodists, or the Church of England, the Presbyterians, the Baptists, the Quakers of any other of the various and numerous sects and parties, all of whom have more or less truth, it is the business of the Elders of this Church to gather up all the truth in the world pertaining to life and salvation, to the gospel we preach, to mechanism of every kind, to the sciences, and to philosophy, wherever it may be found in every nation, kindred, tongue, and people and bring it to Zion. The people on this earth have a great many errors, and they have also a great many truths. This statement is not only true of the nations termed civilized--those who profess to worship the true God, but is equally applicable to pagans of all countries, for in their religious rites and ceremonies may be found a great many truths which we will also gather home to Zion. All truth is for the salvation of the children of men--for their benefit and learning--for their furtherance in the principles of divine knowledge.
--Brigham Young, Journal of Discourses, Vol. 7, p. 283

climbing everest

when i woke up the other day the dominating thought in my mind was "everest is not an accumulation." i often wake up with thoughts/ideas racing through my head and i sometimes wonder where they came from or chuckle them away, but this time i went straight to my computer and wrote:

"Everest is not an accumulation of smaller mountains; rather, it is one large mountain that must be climbed one step at a time."

it occurs to me that even relatively large "mountains," though challenging and exhilarating in their own right, are the training ground for "everest;" the skills and the knowledge necessary to climb everest being learned through scaling such other "mountains." ultimately there is no subsitute for actually making that ascent, for everest is everest and it cannot be replaced by an accumulation of any number of smaller "mountains."

integration

a few nights back i had a dream in which i saw two different versions of myself, as if i were identical twins; i was also the one observing my other two selves, so i guess there were three of me in the dream. my thought was that if these two different versions of me were identical twins then i wonder whether there might be any subtle differences that i could identify in order to tell the two apart; i'm usually pretty good at that, especially when i know the twins pretty well. i began to compare. at first they seemed exactly identical, then there was a sudden realization that, though very similar, there were clear and distinct differences between them. i don't think i can explain what the differences were, but there was no question that i despised the one on the left and i loved the one on the right and i knew exaclty why. this discovery struck me, especially as i immediately acknowledged that i knew them both very well and, though i didn't want to admit it, i knew that both were very accurate reflections of myself (or selves). that is all of the dream that i can recall.

"so what does it mean for you?" a very wiley friend asked me when i recounted the dream to him. a very good question. the interesting thing is that i know very well what it means. without going into great detail, the bottom line is that they are both me even though i prefer one version of me over the other. so integration comes to mind. integrating them both, like copper and tin combine to create bronze, perhaps the true me will emerge. and for that to happen i must have compassion for the version of me that repulses me, accept that part of myself and give myself the love that i need in order for such an integration to be possible. otherwise, i will always be despising myself and consequently rejecting myself, never able to come to my full potential.

there is a beautiful paradox here: in order to become my whole and true self (and to continue to progress and grow) i need to love and accept my whole self, even the parts of me that i hate. i need to accept myself just as i am if i am to become who i want to be. this acceptance does not mean that i allow my undesirable characteristics to take control or become dominant in my life, rather it means that i sit with the truth of who i am right now and love that me. this is easier said than done and yet i have experienced it to a large degree. something tells me, however, that i have a significant amount of self-acceptance remaining.

trust

the question of trust has come up for me quite poignantly lately. how can i be vulnerable, in the sense that i allow others into my life and relate to them authentically, and trust that my vulnerability will not be taken advantage of? a few things come to my mind: 1. vulnerability is not equal to naivete; 2. decisiveness (making a decision regarding my personal convictions) and trust of self (standing by my choices) set the stage for my trusting others; and 3. where does trusting in God come into play in all of this?

merriam-webster.com defines vulnerable:

1 : capable of being physically or emotionally wounded 2 : open to attack or damage : assailable <vulnerable to criticism> 3 : liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning a game in contract bridge (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/vulnerable).

the third definition stands out, "liable to increased penalties but entitled to increased bonuses after winning." there is something about being vulnerable that sets a person up to being "physically or emotionally wounded" while at the same time offers the chance of "increased bonuses." a beautiful principle is revealed here: when i allow myself to be vulnerable (in a position that i can be wounded) i also allow the possibility of deeper emotional connection. being a person who greatly fears being wounded and strongly desires closeness and authentic connection with others, i realize that i must face one of my greatest fears to get that which i want the most.

having defined vulnerability i want to emphasize that it is not same as naivete. merriam-webster.com defines naive:

1: marked by unaffected simplicity : artless , ingenuous 2: deficient in worldly wisdom or informed judgment (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/naive).

the vulnerability of which i speak cannot come from a place of naivete, for it is a deliberate chosen state; i choose to be vulnerable in order to develop a closeness with another person in spite of the knowledge that i am also opening myself up to the possibility of being wounded as well. this is an informed choice, and a complex one at that. the difference between the vulnerability, which can lead to a greater connection, and naivete is a certain awareness combined with intentional strategy.

when i intentionally make myself vulnerable the outcome of this move depends on my decisiveness regarding my personal convictions. if i am sure about my own beliefs and firm in the boundaries i have set for myself, then i am more likely to trust myself even in that vulnerable state. Another difference between vulnerability and naivete is found in the concept of remaining true to my convictions while being open to the closeness of others versus casting aside my convictions in hopes that somehow i will find something better by becoming vulnerable. in such naivete i am actually more likely to be wounded than i am in conscious vulnerability. when i know what i stand for and i stand by that conviction, i am in a better position to trust myself and therefore trust others.

so where does trusting in God come into all of this? trust in this sense is really translated into faith. having decided to stand for something, rather than naively being tossed about by one whim after another or chasing relationships in superficial ways, i find myself needing to trust in God that what i am standing for is worth standing for. i need to trust that my convictions will in fact guide me toward a deeper and more fulfilled life than the wistful alternatives. my only barometer for the efficacy of such trust is my internal sense of congruity, my intuitive awareness of the light, or lack thereof, within myself. this becomes a mixture of trusting myself (my own divine barometer) and trusting God, for I must trust my own sense of who God is and how i believe God communicates with me; there is no separating the two.

and so i choose to trust, and forward i go.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart.... and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

life

i'm feeling nostalgic tonight. remembering good times and good friends and sorting through the anger that i still feel toward my friend who committed suicide only 10 days ago.

i thought of this poem when thinking about my friend who killed himself. he loved robert frost. the interesting thing is that i see this poem as optimistic and i think my friend saw it in a totally different way. i am so glad that i am who i am and that i think the way i do (i know it sounds narcissistic, but that's how i feel--sometimes i just love that i am who i am and that i see the world the way i see it). The end of the poem is what caused me to call this post "life." Even though the "woods are lovely, dark, and deep" there are things that i have committed to do, things i still need to experience, miles and miles that i need to go "before I sleep."

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

death and life

experiencing the death of someone who is close to you has a profound effect. what's interesting is to note the difference in what i have experienced when someone has died of natural causes and when someone decides to check out early and take their own life. suicide is like a smack in the face. three months ago a good friend killed himself. i mostly experienced deep grief that hit me in sudden bursts, and then it sort of faded but an overall feeling of sadness remained, stirring in a void of loss and confusion; i felt like i had lost sight of the meaning of life, the meaning of anything really. difficult. only now do i realize the deep effect it had on me. i withdrew from friends and isolated myself for a while, finally reemerging with a greater sense that i want to fully live and surround myself with great people. all that took place over the period of about two-and-a-half months. then my grandfather died. the amazing thing was that his death was so different from that of my friend who took his own life. the process of grieving was so much more healing than it was for the suicide of my friend. my grandfather lived a good life; he was an amazing man: wwii veteran, husband, father, grandfather, and great-grandfather. wow! honoring him and celebrating his 91 years through memories and tears, surrounded by family was so healing! in fact, i felt that it also helped me heal from my friend's suicide in ways that i didn't know i needed to heal; things that were lingering and i hadn't acknowledged. what a blessing that natural death was.
now here i am, almost a month since my grandfather's death and I am dealing with a fresh experience: another suicide. this time a former roommate and friend to whom i was significantly closer than my other friend who also killed himself only three months ago. this one is very different. i am angry! there is a huge backstory to the friendship that leads me to this anger, but the important thing is that i recongnize that i didn't experience these feelings after the other two deaths. i am pissed off at him for checking out like a coward! i recognize that i am taking it more personally that i did with my other friend, and i don't want to forgive him, yet i sense that i need to get to the point that i can. i feel betrayed, used, manipulated, pulled into his "i'm-a-victim-and-everybody-hates-me" garbage! aarrgh!!! i don't even want to remember him! i don't want to give him the satisfaction of grieving over him! these are interesting emotions, and i am willing to take a look at what they mean for me and work through them. anything that reminds me of him makes me angry! even the fact that i am already over my minutes on my cellphone makes me angry at him because i spent more time than usual on the phone with friends after he killed himself!
i don't want to express the grief that i know i am covering with this anger!

freedom

is it freedom that i'm longing for? the freedom to be truly authentic? the freedom to be vulnerable? the freedom to follow my heart? what would freedom look like? feel like? am i already free and don't know it?

spirituality

I am real. I exist. And at my core I am deeply and fundamentally divine, eternal, pure, and unencumbered by the stresses and confusions of mortality. I often experience the love of God that literally feels like a wonderful fire within me and I am filled with comfort, joy and peace. These moments assure me that I am and that God is, and that's sufficient for now. There are also places and states of being in which I am more likely to connect with the Divine, and I am grateful when I go there. I have not even begun to understand mortality, much less eternity.

I know that I am capable of loving myself, and more of myself, more deeply than I do now. I experience fear, sadness, anger, joy and even shame and I am grateful for these emotions, the beauty in them and things I can learn from acknowledging and expressing them. I know loneliness and longing, friendship and brotherhood. I know that some things are always sacred, even when I don't treat them as such. And as I seek truth I seem to discover that there are many more questions than answers; I am grateful for the mystery.

peace

fasting is a beautiful practice. i believe it to be one of the purest forms of spiritual development. it is also a more direct way to commune with the Divine. as Saint Augustine put it: "Do you wish your prayer to fly toward God? Give it two wings: fasting and almsgiving." fasting accompanied with sincere prayer, pondering and giving the money one would have used for meals is indeed a powerful spiritual practice. were it not so it would probably not be so ubiquitous, for some form of fasting is found in virtually all modern religions, and it is even found in older 'pagan' traditions as well. a powerful example of fasting is Jesus Christ. the new testament attests that Jesus fasted for forty days in the wilderness before beginning his ministry in the holy land. there must be some connection between Jesus' fasting and his final preparation before he began to preach. fasting on certain holy days is still practiced in modern judaism; a typical fast lasts twenty-five hours.

in my faith the common practice is to fast on the first sunday of every month. typically the fast begins after lunch on saturday and ends at lunchtime on sunday, making the fast roughly twenty-four hours. i think i did it once or twice last year. it's easy to forget, especially since the idea of going without food for a full day is not exactly appealing to the average person. i want to fast more frequently this year. i have had some incredible experiences through fasting in the past and i want more of that. it's interesting how easy it is to not do it again even though i have had such wonderful experiences doing it. i can be a slow learner when it comes to things like this. i guess it's the whole idea of sacrificing something good in order to get something better--the dificulty comes in the fact that that better something is most often intangible, while food and time can be measured and enjoyed. in a world of instant gratification fasting isn't exactly popular.

another aspect of fasting that i forgot to mention is faith; faith that it will work, that it will bring me closer to God, that it will bring clarity of mind and peace to my soul. add faith to the equation and fasting becomes much more than voluntary starvation. miracles can happen through sincere fasting and prayer.

through fasting this time around i have been blessed with a beautiful burning sensation in my chest; i identify it as peace. this feeling is not new for me, for i have felt it many times before and on many different occasions, and it is unmistakably peace. i believe this peace is gifted to me as confirmation of the existence of the Divine and that i am on the right track (which could be any number of tracks or paths, for there are many 'right' tracks, still it's nice to have the assurance that i'm on at least one of them). noteworthy also at this time for me is the conflict between my head and my heart, for my head still has many unanswered questions and many doubts, yet my heart is at peace and it tells me that that peace is the only answer i need in this moment. my heart wins; i cannot deny it's wisdom. fasting reminds my that my thoughts are not always my ally and gives me a chance to forego my regular cycle of consumption in order to listen to my spirit. the amazing thing is that my spirit somehow speaks through my body, thus the warmth in my solar plexis and the peace in my body.

my intention is to fast twelve times this year. to help remind me to fast i also have the intention of having a sabbath "break-the-fast" meal with good friends on the afternoon of every first sunday. i began today. what better way to end a day of fasting, study and prayer than to break bread with good friends? these are the important things in life: my relationship with God, my relationship with myself and my relationships with others. that's what it's all about.

gratitude

for the year 2008 i am grateful for opportunities, learning experiences, trust and loss of trust, crossed boundaries, grief, loss, pain, renewal, solitude, friendship, family, love, and fear.

i leave behind indecision, isolation, and incongruity.

in 2009 i want decisiveness, integrity, friendship, wildness, courage and to create sacred space in my home.

welcoming in a new year reminds me of one of my favorite hymns: Come, Let Us Anew by Charles Wesley (see text below). this hymn reminds me that time rolls on, and there are key moments in which i renew my commitment to my journey, as others do to theirs, whatever that journey may be. i am grateful for these moments. i believe beginnings and renewal have a deeper archetypal meaning. i believe that this life is one stage of many on a path of eternal progression. physical, spiritual, intellectual and moral development are all essential pieces of this progression; and significant beginnings and moments of renewal, like the new year or spring among many others, can be small steps toward the progress we pursue. perhaps, as the hymn states, "entering into [the] joy [of the Master]" and "sit[ting] down on [his] throne" are symbols for continuing from one stage of the journey to another, for those moments are potentially joyful and magnificent. and yet even those "fugitive moment[s] refuse... to stay," and another moment offers a new opportunity for growth. so i take this moment to recognize that 2008, with all its challenges and pains, triumphs and joys, has brought me to where i am now, and i am a better person for having lived it; and i welcome 2009 and enjoy this "fugitive moment" of gratitude. and so it is.

Come, Let Us Anew
by Charles Wesley

Come, let us anew our journey pursue,
Roll round with the year,
And never stand still till the Master appear.
His adorable will let us gladly fulfill,
And our talents improve
By the patience of hope and the labor of love,
By the patience of hope and the labor of love.

Our life as a dream, our time as a stream
Glide swiftly away,
And the fugitive moment refuses to stay;
For the arrow is flown and the moments are gone.
The millennial year
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here,
Presses on to our view, and eternity's here.

Oh, that each in the day of His coming may say,
'I have fought my way through;
I have finished the work thou didst give me to do.'
Oh, that each from his Lord may receive the glad word:
'Well and faithfully done;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne;
Enter into my joy and sit down on my throne.'

anxiety

i slept in way too long today. my thoughts turned to the fact that i go back to work next week, and i felt a pang of anxiety around getting back into a regular sleep schedule and tackling all the things that are waiting for me at work.
i think i'll read thoreau tonight.
"What business have I in the woods, if I am thinking of something out of the woods?" (Thoreau, Walking)

loneliness

alone. i realize i've done this to myself. my life seems to go in cycles: alone, connected, and alone again. does that mean connection is coming soon? perhaps. i also realize that i always make a choice that brings me to this state of loneliness. why do i do it? why do i choose this? what drives me here? i think i am afraid of getting too close to someone. i only let them get so close, then i pull away. and if they get to what i consider too close? forget about it. i'm long gone. and inevitably i become lonely again. the interesting thing is that part of me loves the loneliness. it's relatively easy to be alone: minimal pain and drama. yet being with someone, or even with other people in general is so much better than being alone. stephen sondheim wrote that "alone is alone, not alive." i think he's onto something. being alive has something to do with being together, with other people in authentic relationships. it must be that way, otherwise i think we wouldn't be on this planet with other people to interact with and learn from--and learn together.

The House of Belonging

I awoke
this morning
in the gold light
turning this way
and that

thinking for
a moment
it was one
day
like any other.

But
the veil had gone
from my
darkened heart
and I thought

it must have been the quiet
candlelight
that filled my room,

it must have been
the first easy rhythm
with which I breathed
myself to sleep,

it must have been
the prayer I said
speaking to the otherness
of the night.

And
I thought
this is the good day
you could meet your love,

this is the black day
someone close
to you could die.

This is the day
you realize
how easily the thread
is broken
between this world
and the next

and I found myself
sitting up
in the quiet pathway
of light,

the tawny
close grained cedar
burning round
me like a fire
and all the angels of this housely
heaven ascending
through the first
roof of light
the sun has made.

This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging.

~ David Whyte ~